She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
