I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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