I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
