just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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