community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
