you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
