even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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