I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
