You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
