its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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