If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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