I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
