i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
