I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
