someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
