i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
