omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
