Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
