Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
