Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
