I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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