and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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