You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
