I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
