I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
