I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
