Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I deserve this hangover.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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