Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
