she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
