I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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