stop calling my apartment porn island.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
