I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't deserve a penis
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
