He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
