Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
