I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
where are my eyebrows?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
