So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
