I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
