Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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