I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
