I cannot find my penis.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
