Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
