im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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