I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
