he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
