dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
