god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You're so nebulous sometimes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
