i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
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