god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
