i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
