just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
