So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
