So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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