So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
