Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
