Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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