oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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