I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
