I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
