Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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