i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
